The Good Word

When you live alone, your third day off in a row makes you begin to feel like you lost your job, wife, and friends in one fell swoop.

The perfect addition to your Valentine's Day playlist.

Men, we’re down to t-minus 8 hours until V-Day.

We all know that this isn’t the only time of the year we’re asked to show how masculine we are by being as feminine as we possibly can (i.e. being able to pick out a floral arrangement, use our scrapbooking skills to put together a homemade card, or cook a meal that doesn’t involve any of the three food groups - beer, red meat, and Cool Ranch Doritos).

It is, however, the only time of the year that every other guy in the world is stuck in the same predicament. And by same predicament, we mean that we’re competing against all other men. To do what? You guessed it: Prove how feminine we are. 

To help you cope with the impending disaster, let’s begin by identifying where you are in the holiday-hating process.

The Seven Stages

of

Valentine’s Day

1. Denial – This first stage of hatred begins the first time it dawns on you that Valentine’s Day exists, and that it is primarily for people who are not you.

For me, this stage began at my first elementary school Valentine’s Day Dance. Having never before identified with word “dance” as a multi-person activity, when I realized that we had been lured into that gymnasium for a purpose other than consuming copious amounts of flavored sugar, I was distraught. I proceeded to slowly discover the meaning of the word wallflower until my mom picked me up.

Note: That was also the first day I encountered the Macarena. And, it might just be me, but I’m pretty sure that throughout my elementary school career we had “Mandatory Macarena” on Fridays - kind of like when Japanese office workers do calisthenics on the roof of their office building – awkward and communesque (patented).

Possible coping mechanism: Abusing the opportunity to make festive crafts.

Having discovered previously that the opportunity cost of listening to the 8 steps necessary making paper snowflakes was not worth the trouble, I used my failed experiments to create “snow monsters” (fractions of paper snowflakes with snake eyes, fangs and claws). The Valentine’s line was called “love bugs” (insects made from misshapen hearts).

2. Anger –The second time around though, you see Valentine’s Day coming from a mile away. And, just like watching the needle when you are getting a shot, it only serves to spread the pain over a longer period of time.

This time you know exactly how important it is to be intentional about dealing out your box of Ninja Turtle/Power Ranger/Tiny Toon valentines. All the mushy/suggestive ones (“I Love You Like I Love Pizza”) need to immediately go to your best friends. The utterly ambivalent ones (“Hope Your Valetine’s Day Is Totally Tubular”) go to the girls who need that clear-cut message. Then, there is one level of Valentine, not too suggestive, but not funny either, to be given to that one girl you actually have a crush on.

There is no right way to divide a box of 32 valentines correctly. You have to give one to every kid in class and you inevitably will send at least one mixed message.

Once you’ve deposited your cards in your classmates boxes all there is to do is hope that 1) Nobody else got the same kind of valentines as you (utter disgrace), and 2) Analyze the valentines you receive, along with your friend’s, to get an idea of how other kids ranked you.

Possing coping mechanism: Get your mom to buy bags of “fun size” M&Ms that just have a “To” and “From” line on the back. No ambiguity. No tension. Just sugar.

3. Guilt – While Valentine’s Day is certainly frustrating to the average, cootie-fearing elementary/middle schooler, it only gets worse from there.

The first time you actually have a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day all the resentment and anger turns quickly to fear and self-loathing.

Your lawn-mowing money from the summer has run out, your birthday is a long way off, and you spent your Christmas money on LEGOS for the 8th year running. What to do?

Possible coping mechanism: The only way I’ve ever had this work out for me is by covering all the bases: something personal, something permanent, and something perishable.

Personal means something, preferably handmade, that demonstrates an intimate knowledge of the significant other. Permanent means jewelry (or stuffed animal depending on duration of relationship). Perishable means a trip, a movie, a meal, candies, or flowers.

Include all three, or suffer the consequences. Borrow money from your parents.

4. Depression – At some time or another we all spend Valentine’s Day alone. So, since your first girlfriend dumped you for Brett Bretterson or whatever his name was that did that sport so well, you’ve got to make it through a dry spell for the next 1 to 53 years.

Possibly coping mechanisms: Go out with your buddies to the nearest pub/arcade/comicbook store/shooting range and just enjoy being men.

On the bright side, if you can drink/game/eat away the tears, this will be the cheapest Valentine’s Day(s) of your life.

You’ll look back on this day and wonder why you can’t go back.

If your buddies are all coupled up, there is only one recourse left to you. Wallow. Wallow hard. Listen to the most depressing music you can find and eat freezer tots until you feel sick.

5. Forgiveness – Ahhh… All the pressure of first love and loneliness have disappeared. You’ve reached the plateau otherwise known as the “first legitimate relationship.”

You’re finally dating a girl your mom likes and that you can actually see yourself growing boring with. At this point you’re so pleased that someone of the fairer sex is talking to you that you’re actually happy when Valentine’s Day comes around so that you can show them how much you care.

You’ve got the rule of three down (see step 3). You’ve got a modest piece of jewelry in your coat pocket, a bouquet of flowers in your hand, and you’re off to see a play. Life is good – for the first and only time.

Possible coping mechanism: Go through old love letters and yearbooks to give yourself some perspective. Know that one woman liking you for one year does not make up for hundreds of women disliking you for two decades.

6. Acceptance – Marriage is the first and finest institution on the planet. Now that the crush that became the girlfriend has now become the wife you’ve got new problems.

In your early years you are poor. A dishwasher for Valentine’s Day? A blender? Well, you can’t justify spending the money on entertainment, but a ratchet set just isn’t very romantic. Don’t you wish you had the money to burn?

No, you don’t. Once you’ve got a little money in the bank you can buy whatever you want or need year-round, leaving very little to hold over each other’s heads for the big day.

Possible coping mechanism: Too late. Go to marriage, go directly to marriage. Do not pass fun. Do not collect any more comic books.

7. Recovery – While step 6 does tend to last longer than any of the rest, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Walk towards the light.

And never fear, old age has it’s benefits.

Inevitable coping mechanism: Benefits like not being able to leave your house without fearing that you’ll break your hip. Like having your spouse become so forgetful that she has no idea what year it is, much less that it’s the 14th of February. Like eventually leaving a world that invented an emasculating holiday just to sell greeting cards.

So enjoy the next 24 hours, men.

They might be your last.

Disclamer – I really am this bitter. I mean every word of it. Every. Word.

Words matter. They always have.

They are the only hope that a concept or idea has of making the transition from one human brain to another.

Lives are sometimes dependent on a single word. In To Kill A Mockingbird, Tom Robinson is convicted of rape, not because he’s guilty, but because he tells the jury that he “felt sorry for a white woman.”

Many people’s jobs hinge on semantics. Right to bear arms? Well, you don’t mean in public, do you? Surely you don’t mean fully-automatic weapons?

Was Jesus “the way, the truth, the life”? Or just “a way, a truth, a life”? For many of you, your entire way of life depends on the use of the definite article (the) instead of the indefinite article (a/an). (Just thank God the New Testament was written in Greek and not Latin)

I majored in English and Classical Languages, I love words. But do I? Or do I just like words, but I love my friends? The problem is that in English I’ve only got two choices: like or love.

Project Gutenberg (via Wiktionary) says that “love” is the 179th most common word in the English language, falling right between “whom” and “far”.

But, if we use words like “love” just as often as we use the word “because,” shouldn’t it mean less?

Look what happened to “awesome”. At first it was reserved for talking about waterfalls, the Grand Canyon, and God. Now the fact that you’ve already got your taxes done this year is “awesome”.

Can we say “I love you” hundreds of times to the same person and have it still mean anything? What about saying it to multiple people? We speak thousands of words every day. If 1 out of every 500 is “love”, then you’ve likely already said it in excess of 1,000,000 times (I’ve already used it seven times in this post).

Well, the best wordsmiths like to avoid it entirely. Here are, in my opinion, three of the best depictions of love I have ever come across. Notice how never saying “love” and avoiding everything but the peripheral qualities of a person is a devastatingly effective way to say “I love you.”

Please listen.

Joshua Radin - “Vegetable Car”

Robert Herrick - “Upon Julia’s Clothes”

Whenas in silks my Julia goes,

Then, then, methinks, how sweetly flows,

That liquefaction of her clothes.

Next, when I cast mine eyes and see

That brave vibration, each way free,

O, how that glittering taketh me.

And, sincerely, my favorite love song:

Motion City Soundtrack - “My Antonia”

So all: Don’t let your relationships hang on so worn and shabby a hook as “I love you”.

Could there be a more beautiful compliment than “and when the little lady grows up, I hope that she will be just like her mother”?

I contend not.

Let’s face it, the tables have turned. If you hadn’t noticed, the process began with the release of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off in 1986 and was completed the first time Seth Green showed his face on television.

What am I talking about? The Rise Of The Nerd.

Obama uses a Blackberry, the inventors of Facebook and Digg.com are celebrities, and people like Zach Braff (J.D. from Scrubs) determine what network T.V. looks like.

So, in an effort to help you all with the transition into a world entirely run by people who know when to “let the Wookie win,” I present to you my very own tutorial series:

Becoming a Nerd

Lesson 1 - Comics

Now, we don’t all have to get to the point where we’re eagerly awaiting next Wednesday’s newest issue of Superman Confidential (and I sincerely hope you don’t), but unless you want to find yourself sorely uncultured, take at least one step toward becoming comic-literate.

This process is going to take us from your Sunday paper to the web, and even to the very threshold of your local comic shop. So, let’s begin at the beginning with everyone’s first exposure to comics:

1. Garfield Minus Garfield. When you were little you couldn’t possibly comprehend why your parents would want a newspaper. It felt gross, was full of boring stories, and had hardly any pictures. The comics page, however, was different. You may not have understood half the jokes that Marmaduke, Family Circus, and The Farside were throwing at you, but you liked them anyway.

Garfield Minus Garfield is great because it eases you from printed comics and dated humor to the more subtle art of the web comic. On G-G the gig is pretty simple, the creator states:

Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.

Don’t worry. It will feel a little icky at first, looking at Garfield comics on the internet, but trust me, it will get better. Take G-G in large doses- the more deranged Jon seems, the better.

2. Savage Chickens. Savage Chickens is a one-frame Far Side-esque comic starring chickens drawn on Post-It notes. They’re easily digestible and typically don’t employ any humor that is too esoteric. That is, they are a step up from G-G, but, on an average day, won’t demand extensive knowledge of English grammar or original episodes of Star Trek.

3. xkcd. The cream of the crop in the world of online comics, xkcd is almost always spot-on hilarious, but sometimes you’ll have to deal with extended plotlines based on Linux and other open-source products. Often, too, your understanding of a joke will depend upon how much you remember from the last time you were in physics class. Keep in mind though, xkcd is culturally relevant, and you’re not.

4. Watchmen. Time to make the transition back to paper. Watchmen, written by Alan Moore, is generally regarded as the greatest graphic novel ever created. What’s a graphic novel you might ask? Well, typically, it’s an entire storyline of a comic bundled into one durable volume. It’s a serious step-up in nerd-dom, but for only $20 at Barnes and Noble you can own the only graphic novel ever to win the Huge Award for Excellence in Science Fiction.

Watchmen will introduce you to the world of comics via solid literature, with a storyline that won’t expand on you. Also, it will get you ready for the upcoming movie – which promises to be pretty darn awesome.

As an English major and a gentlemen, I will stake my reputation on this one. It’s a great story, filled with literary allusions and believable characters that will make a seamless transition to live-action cinema. The title is even based on a Latin phrase: “Quis custodiet, ipsos custodes?” (Who watches the watchmen?).

5. Buffy. I hate to jump back on this horse, but let’s face it – Joss Whedon owns me. The show itself has some of the best writing I’ve ever encountered. Its witty, culturally relevant banter more than made up for seven seasons of low-budget special effects. Now the comic picks up where the show left off, and lays down the awesome.

I’m not up to date with it presently, but if you’re going to start venturing into the unexplored territory of actually visiting a comicbook shop, Buffy is a great way to do so without compromising your status as a devotee of video-based culture.

So, where do you fall on the continuum? Just dipping your toe into the world of comics, or diving headfirst into the back-issues bin, looking for obscure Green Lantern storylines?

And if that seemed a rather unromantic way to start February, check out the “Extra” I posted earlier: http://www.zgoodword.com/extras