The Good Word

It’s beer and nachos day and I’m feeling pretty good.

How good? Well, so good that I’m going to solve all your problems right here and now.

First of all, what are your problems? Let’s figure out what I’m up against.

The economy’s bad? Yeah, I hear that. Don’t feel good about yourself? Parents down on you? Got a deadline? Bills to pay? Insurmountable debt raining on your parade? Well never fear.

Let’s get to the root of it. What’s really troubling you? Tutition/car/house payment coming up, eh? So, is the problem that you got an education/bought a car/have a house to live in? No?

Right. It’s the bills that are the problem. Pesky college/auto dealer/real estate agent, always wanting you to pay for what they’re already letting you enjoy.

But, wait. You’ve got bigger problems? It’s not just the bills, it’s the ideological issues, it’s the backwards/unjust way the world seems to operate. It’s people calling Jessica Simpson chunky. It’s George W.’s pesky policies restraining our nation's ability to help the world’s poor. It’s poverty. It’s teen pregnancy. It’s the blatant disregard of a person’s right to marry whoever they wish regardless of gender. Amen.

So who’s fault is it? It’s certainly not yours. From the cradle we’ve learned that getting burned by a hot cup of coffee is the fault of McDonald’s, the jerks who made that coffee so hot. When we fail a test, it’s the teacher’s fault for slanting the questions against our world view. When a fifth-grade boy whose name should be concealed, lets call him Manny Bryant, literally beats a teacher’s aid black and blue, it’s her fault for attempting to take away the scissors that he’s flailing about wildly.

But really, who’s at fault?

It’s a culture that thinks itself free of consequences. A culture that incentivizes the worst possible behavior in any given scenario.

Why do seventh-graders get pregnant? Probably because they’ve grown up in a world of 99% effective birth control and abortion.

Why do people eat at McDonald’s five times a week? Because a heart attack is covered by insurance and if things get out of hand you can always get liposuction.

Why do auto makers consistently exhibit poor business practices and create poor products? Because the federal government is ready with billions to bail them out.

Why is there a gay marriage debate? Because the government/insurance companies give colossal deals to married people.

Why is universal health care a bad idea? Beacuse sick/injured people are the only ones who win. Healthy people pay and receive nothing in return, making it BETTER for you to be ILL.

Why is our economy all mussed up? Because during the pre-bust boom the baby-boomers weren’t having babies. Birth control and abortion have gotten us to this neato place where we have more producers than consumers. We need babies for the economy to function.

Why do you have those bills? Well.. it’s because you went to college/bought a car/own a house.

So why do Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama think that abortion will save the U.S. economy and end world poverty? Because they’d rather remove the consequence (babies cost money), than confront the source of the problem (there weren’t enough babies born 20 years ago).

Okay, maybe that explanation doesn’t solve all your problems, but honestly, what are we to do? Well, for starters, when we’re crying about where we are now, rather than ensuring we don’t have to pay the price in the future, let’s think about what we did in the past to get there.

Five Good Reasons To Welcome Our New President

5. He’s a fan of Ok Go. Well… at least he told their bassist that he “liked his style.” In Tim’s own words:

4. According to The New York Times he’s an amateur poet. (HT: Davey Talbot)

3. He seems to like comic books. A lot. Io9 suggests he’ll be making the rounds in the Marvel-verse.

2. He’s honest (skip to 0:45): “I inhaled… frequently… that was the point.”

1. And the number one, most good reason to doff your hat to Obama?

He’s got THIS many people who are willing to endure a 400:1 people-to-porta-potty ratio for him. Yes, those are people.

Sundays are always beautiful. First sleeping until 10am, then heading to mass and people watching, then to Wal-Mart or Safeway for weekly groceries and more of the same. The rest of the day is up for grabs - a little schoolwork, a little reading, some time at the library - trying to find the perfect combination of routine and spontaneity.

With the introduction of a table my house is starting to actually feel livable:
My favorite block downtown just got a new mural, I'm fine with Barack being portrayed as Lincoln as long as he actually grows the beard. I will not be fine, however, when I see the first picture of him photoshopped onto a crucifix (I give it a week).
Also, Sunday's have the added perk of a new batch of secrets at PostSecret online.

Tomorrow begins a new week of school, and brings a new episode of Heroes (any takers?).

Time to announce the winner of last week's celebratory contest.

Here's the original photo:
And the winning caption:

"Instead of going to the hospital and having the big staff and serpent heal the sick and weary the EMTs decided it was faster to have the messiah cure them."

Thanks Quinn. Hit me up at zogood@gmail.com with your address and your wonderful prize will be on it's way.

Also, there are couple honorable mentions:

First, from Michael, a photoshopped version entitled "You Shall Not Pass":

And secondly, Varduga with his Onion-esque entry:

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO. PATRICK KILCHERMANN, ASSOCIATED PRESS (14:00MST, 8/12/08): Barrack Obama campaign officer Mr. David Hathaway finally succumbed to malnutrition today, after trying to bring to the forefront of the public's eye, one of the biggest issues of Senator Obama's campaign: Hunger.

"It just doesn't seem fair to me, that if a person in America doesn't feel like getting up to fix something to eat, she or he isn't spoon fed by the government," Mr. Hathaway was quoted as saying.

"When I realized that nobody was outraged by this other than me, It occurred to me that the public at large probably doesn't even KNOW this. And that is why I am doing this- I want everyone to see the kind of country you live in. I want to show America the kind of government the U.N. gave us."

Mr. Hathaway refused pleas from his family and friends to seek medical attention, even as he grew too weak to get up from the couch that he sat upon. All except his fellow Obama campaign officers- people like Jessica Rousch.

Prior to Hathaway's death, Ms. Rousch told us, "Um, I think it's awesome what he's doing. I don't 'member how old I was when I found out that not ev'ryone has their meals fed to them. But I think it was when I moved out of my parents house when I was 35 or 40. I mean, what's the point of even having a government if they aren't going to feed you?"

Hathaway's death is seen by his loved ones as an unnecessary tragedy in the war on hunger. David was 24 years old, and was a recent graduate from the University of Colorado at Boulder with a bachelor's degree in Fecal Arts.

Thanks for participating everyone and be sure to start spreading the good word about The Good Word and be prepared for an AMAZING prize for the next contest, which will begin the day after our first 100-visit day.

P.S. Jose is in town and tomorrow he and I will be double-dipping, be prepared...

CONTEST TIME!
TheGoodWord got 50 hits yesterday and it's time to celebrate. I'll be mailing a sweet unique prize(which probably means something I found at Goodwill plus some modifications and a personal message from me, plus fame and glory)* to the winner of today's contest.

Rules: Caption the picture below in the way that you think would most tickle my fancy. Nothing dirty or hateful (Pat), but feel free to press the boundaries of clean humor with euphemisms and allusions. Your have until Friday to leave your caption in the comments section of this post, then I'll e-mail the winner and post the pic again with the winning caption (and then you'll all Digg, Stumble and Facebook the crap out of it).

Here's the photo:
Please note that Brad took this photo yesterday, it is neither staged (how could I even do that?) nor photo-shopped.

So have at, and again: leave your caption as a comment and I'll post the winner on Friday.

And just as a bonus, I leave leave you with this.

*As if I could actually mail you fame and glory.