The Good Word

Well, it’s finally over. Pack those feelings away, use Borax and Lysol to get that lingering feelings-smell out of your apartment, and say goodbye to your sensitive side for another year (unless you celebrate Sweetest Day, but that’s an entirely different issue).

I now have for your viewing pleasure a countdown of the top five best things ever to come out of Valentine’s Day, besides people born in late October.

The Best of V-Day

5. PostSecret – If you don’t already subscribe to PostSecret’s RSS feed, I suggest you jump on board. The general idea is that people anonymously mail in postcards with secrets on them and they are posted weekly on this blog. The V-Day edition is about as mushy as I get.

PostSecret: A Valentine Video

4. Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown! – The Peanuts holiday specials are always a favorite. Here, we see Linus giving Valentine’s Day a piece of his mind. “This is for Elizabeth Barrett Browning!!!!”

 3. Flight of the Conchords – Back for a second season, this is Brett and Jermaine’s newest song from last week’s episode. Already one of my favorite FOC tunes.

2. Ah L'Amour - Did you really think I was the world's most bitter person on V-Day? Well, you were right, but this guy has animation skills. This video would have taken months to make in Microsoft Paint.

1. Ze Frank - The best Valentine’s Day thesis of all time: Ze Frank and the “Relationship Apocalypse.” (I’ve been saving this one for weeks)

So, how was your Valentine’s Day? I watched a documentary on Scrabble, ate at McDonald’s and went out and sang karaoke (i.e. Mine was awesome).

On Valentine’s Day it seems fitting that I share with you the story of the worst date I ever went on. If you are single—BEWARE—guys like this really do exist.

It started innocently enough. It was the summer of 2004 and I was a 21-year-old summer intern in the broadcasting division of Focus on the Family and I was having the time of my life. I seemed to be much more popular with Colorado mountain men than I was with the socially-awkward guys I kept meeting in my college town of Hillsdale, MI.

My boss at the time was aghast to find out that I was single and she insisted on setting me up.

First-date Lesson #1: Never allow yourself to be set-up by someone who does not know you very well.

My boss finagled a way for me to meet him prior to the date and I had an instant gut reaction—I was not attracted to him. A couple of days after this “chance encounter” he began emailing me. A steady, intravenous drip of emails began appearing in my outlook inbox before he finally asked, “Could I take you to dinner?”

I sat there, looking at the email, trying to decide what to do. I mean I really wasn’t interested…but he seemed nice enough…I was kind of broke…and it’s worth going on a date for a free dinner right?

First-date Lesson #2: Never go on a date with someone you are not attracted or interested in just because you will get a free dinner.

When I arrived at Carraba’s (luckily, I was smart enough to suggest that we meet there—just in case I needed an escape vehicle) I found that he had already been seated. It was July and he was wearing a black turtle neck and looked like he was brooding over the menu. The second I saw him I wished that I was not there (I also wished that I didn’t look so hot because I swear drool started pouring out of his mouth).

By the time our salads arrived (approx. 15.73 minutes into the date) I had found out that he was sexually abused as a child, used to struggle with alcoholism and was $23,856 in credit card debt.

First-date Lesson #3: If less than 20 minutes into a first-date a total stranger has dumped all of their emotional baggage on you, RUN!

While munching on a ranch-covered crouton he asked me what I thought about destiny. Before I had the chance to respond he entered into a soliloquy that went something like this:

“I used to think that God would naturally put someone in your path, that you would meet them, hit it off and live happily ever after.” He paused, and then asserted “Now, I believe that God gave us free-will, so that you can choose to pursue someone. For example, I used to know this guy who liked this girl, and he kept asking her out again and again and again and she kept saying no. He would just keep appearing on her doorstep to ask her out until she finally said yes, and now they’re married.”

At this point I have one thought screaming through my brain, “STALKER! STALKER! STALKER!”

I excused myself to the restroom. Unfortunately there were no windows or escape routes. As I stood there, staring into the mirror trying to decide what to do, a woman looked at me sympathetically and said, “Your date is going awful—but hang in there sweetie!” Apparently this woman was in the booth behind us and had heard the whole conversation.

Armed with her advice I made my way back to the table.

First-date Lesson #4: In moments of crisis do not listen to strangers. They can be stupid. If you feel like you are on a date with a freak, you probably are.

For the next 12 minutes conversation flowed normally. Okay, not normally, but at least it was about movies and music. He had bizarre tastes but I took this conversation as a welcome relief.  Good first date topics.

Then I made the mistake of asking him about his job. For some reason I was under the impression that he was a broadcast engineer. In reality he filed past broadcasts in alphabetical order. For a 29-year-old it kind of seemed like a dead-end job so I asked him what he saw himself doing in the future.

First-date Lesson #5: Never ask a question when you aren’t prepared to hear the answer.

His eyes lit up. He leaned in really close, looked deeply into my eyes and states with complete and total sincerity, “You know, it’s so interesting that you would ask, because recently I’ve been prophesized over. I am to become a televangelist.”

In my life I can think of a total of 3 times where I have been left speechless – I always have something to say.  Now I stuttered, I stammered, I did my best to get out an, “Oh. That’s neat.” And then turn my eyes back to my “free” dinner.

Then he reaches his hand across the table and grabs mine. He looks into my eyes and says matter-of-factly, “That’s why I think it’s so amazing that I’ve met you. I mean you are beautiful, you are outgoing, and you are a good public-speaker. Just think of the televangelism team that we will make.”

I am no Tammy Faye. For one thing, my hair isn’t big enough. “Wow. Um, that’s cool that you think that, but I’ve never really seen myself as a tele-evangelist.”

Then he utters this priceless bit of wisdom: “Eva, sometimes you don’t realize your destiny until it is upon you.”

Needless to say, his destiny did not involve a second date with me.

So this Valentine’s Day if you are tempted to go on a date for the free dinner, decline. If you are at home, alone, you might even consider turning on the TV, watching a televangelist and be thankful that it’s not you. 

Do you have a story to top mine? Leave me a comment.

The perfect addition to your Valentine's Day playlist.

Men, we’re down to t-minus 8 hours until V-Day.

We all know that this isn’t the only time of the year we’re asked to show how masculine we are by being as feminine as we possibly can (i.e. being able to pick out a floral arrangement, use our scrapbooking skills to put together a homemade card, or cook a meal that doesn’t involve any of the three food groups - beer, red meat, and Cool Ranch Doritos).

It is, however, the only time of the year that every other guy in the world is stuck in the same predicament. And by same predicament, we mean that we’re competing against all other men. To do what? You guessed it: Prove how feminine we are. 

To help you cope with the impending disaster, let’s begin by identifying where you are in the holiday-hating process.

The Seven Stages

of

Valentine’s Day

1. Denial – This first stage of hatred begins the first time it dawns on you that Valentine’s Day exists, and that it is primarily for people who are not you.

For me, this stage began at my first elementary school Valentine’s Day Dance. Having never before identified with word “dance” as a multi-person activity, when I realized that we had been lured into that gymnasium for a purpose other than consuming copious amounts of flavored sugar, I was distraught. I proceeded to slowly discover the meaning of the word wallflower until my mom picked me up.

Note: That was also the first day I encountered the Macarena. And, it might just be me, but I’m pretty sure that throughout my elementary school career we had “Mandatory Macarena” on Fridays - kind of like when Japanese office workers do calisthenics on the roof of their office building – awkward and communesque (patented).

Possible coping mechanism: Abusing the opportunity to make festive crafts.

Having discovered previously that the opportunity cost of listening to the 8 steps necessary making paper snowflakes was not worth the trouble, I used my failed experiments to create “snow monsters” (fractions of paper snowflakes with snake eyes, fangs and claws). The Valentine’s line was called “love bugs” (insects made from misshapen hearts).

2. Anger –The second time around though, you see Valentine’s Day coming from a mile away. And, just like watching the needle when you are getting a shot, it only serves to spread the pain over a longer period of time.

This time you know exactly how important it is to be intentional about dealing out your box of Ninja Turtle/Power Ranger/Tiny Toon valentines. All the mushy/suggestive ones (“I Love You Like I Love Pizza”) need to immediately go to your best friends. The utterly ambivalent ones (“Hope Your Valetine’s Day Is Totally Tubular”) go to the girls who need that clear-cut message. Then, there is one level of Valentine, not too suggestive, but not funny either, to be given to that one girl you actually have a crush on.

There is no right way to divide a box of 32 valentines correctly. You have to give one to every kid in class and you inevitably will send at least one mixed message.

Once you’ve deposited your cards in your classmates boxes all there is to do is hope that 1) Nobody else got the same kind of valentines as you (utter disgrace), and 2) Analyze the valentines you receive, along with your friend’s, to get an idea of how other kids ranked you.

Possing coping mechanism: Get your mom to buy bags of “fun size” M&Ms that just have a “To” and “From” line on the back. No ambiguity. No tension. Just sugar.

3. Guilt – While Valentine’s Day is certainly frustrating to the average, cootie-fearing elementary/middle schooler, it only gets worse from there.

The first time you actually have a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day all the resentment and anger turns quickly to fear and self-loathing.

Your lawn-mowing money from the summer has run out, your birthday is a long way off, and you spent your Christmas money on LEGOS for the 8th year running. What to do?

Possible coping mechanism: The only way I’ve ever had this work out for me is by covering all the bases: something personal, something permanent, and something perishable.

Personal means something, preferably handmade, that demonstrates an intimate knowledge of the significant other. Permanent means jewelry (or stuffed animal depending on duration of relationship). Perishable means a trip, a movie, a meal, candies, or flowers.

Include all three, or suffer the consequences. Borrow money from your parents.

4. Depression – At some time or another we all spend Valentine’s Day alone. So, since your first girlfriend dumped you for Brett Bretterson or whatever his name was that did that sport so well, you’ve got to make it through a dry spell for the next 1 to 53 years.

Possibly coping mechanisms: Go out with your buddies to the nearest pub/arcade/comicbook store/shooting range and just enjoy being men.

On the bright side, if you can drink/game/eat away the tears, this will be the cheapest Valentine’s Day(s) of your life.

You’ll look back on this day and wonder why you can’t go back.

If your buddies are all coupled up, there is only one recourse left to you. Wallow. Wallow hard. Listen to the most depressing music you can find and eat freezer tots until you feel sick.

5. Forgiveness – Ahhh… All the pressure of first love and loneliness have disappeared. You’ve reached the plateau otherwise known as the “first legitimate relationship.”

You’re finally dating a girl your mom likes and that you can actually see yourself growing boring with. At this point you’re so pleased that someone of the fairer sex is talking to you that you’re actually happy when Valentine’s Day comes around so that you can show them how much you care.

You’ve got the rule of three down (see step 3). You’ve got a modest piece of jewelry in your coat pocket, a bouquet of flowers in your hand, and you’re off to see a play. Life is good – for the first and only time.

Possible coping mechanism: Go through old love letters and yearbooks to give yourself some perspective. Know that one woman liking you for one year does not make up for hundreds of women disliking you for two decades.

6. Acceptance – Marriage is the first and finest institution on the planet. Now that the crush that became the girlfriend has now become the wife you’ve got new problems.

In your early years you are poor. A dishwasher for Valentine’s Day? A blender? Well, you can’t justify spending the money on entertainment, but a ratchet set just isn’t very romantic. Don’t you wish you had the money to burn?

No, you don’t. Once you’ve got a little money in the bank you can buy whatever you want or need year-round, leaving very little to hold over each other’s heads for the big day.

Possible coping mechanism: Too late. Go to marriage, go directly to marriage. Do not pass fun. Do not collect any more comic books.

7. Recovery – While step 6 does tend to last longer than any of the rest, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Walk towards the light.

And never fear, old age has it’s benefits.

Inevitable coping mechanism: Benefits like not being able to leave your house without fearing that you’ll break your hip. Like having your spouse become so forgetful that she has no idea what year it is, much less that it’s the 14th of February. Like eventually leaving a world that invented an emasculating holiday just to sell greeting cards.

So enjoy the next 24 hours, men.

They might be your last.

Disclamer – I really am this bitter. I mean every word of it. Every. Word.

Today was my last work day before a long President’s Day weekend.

After having to stay late to prepare sub plans the day before, and then coming in on my sick day for play practice, I was none too happy about coming in this morning.

I told Brian how I felt and he suggested that I read Psalm 57:4-6. I thought to myself, “Yeah, Psalms, great place for comfort, David went through some tough stuff.”

I read the passage (through no fault of my own, the NLT was the selected translation):

Psalm 57:4-6 (New Living Translation)

⁴ I am surrounded by fierce lions
      who greedily devour human prey—
   whose teeth pierce like spears and arrows,
      and whose tongues cut like swords.

⁵ Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens!
      May your glory shine over all the earth.

⁶ My enemies have set a trap for me.
      I am weary from distress.
   They have dug a deep pit in my path,
      but they themselves have fallen into it.

Brian then informed me that he had picked the passage at random, despite how apt and awesome it was.

But, today was not only Lincoln’s 200th B-day. It was also the last school day before Valentine’s day.

I wasn’t going to acknowledge the holiday, but then a girl brought these into my first hour class to give out and my heart grew 3 sizes.

That would be a conversation heart box, covered with scrapbooking paper, with an ipod screen and wheel glued on, and Hershey’s kisses attached as ear-buds. Cutest… thing… I have ever seen (I mean that in the manliest way possible).

Also, I received two Valentines from different groups of students, both of which contained poems that were half encouraging, half just plain weird. Here you go:

Untitled

Mr. Good, you are so grand,
You are the only angel in the land,
You are my favorite teacher,
Better than any preacher.
Your mutton-chop-soul-patch-combo is so cool,
Anyone who hates it is a darn fool!
Your English class is so peachy,
I can not wait for you to teach-y.
Michigan is so cold,
You go there 'cause you are so bold.

And, just a tinge weirder:

A Shakespearean Sonnet for Mr. Good

We all adore your beard
Your probably know it’s true,
You must think we are weird,
But it's because we love you.
Love is a mysterious word,
It hides all true feelings.
Just like Captain Picard,
You fly our loves past the ceilings.
Your eyes shine like the stars,
Our hearts are fills with oceans of love.
Nothing can explain this love of ours,
It rises to heaven above.
We wish you were our dad;
But since you're not, we are quite sad.

Turns out the eighth graders only have two speeds: moody and creepy.

And, like soap and water for the mind, here’s the best love song ever (listen, but don't watch - it spoils the surprise):